#doesn't feel like it but it was a decade ago

[pistol-grippump]

->

People shit on Dylan and Eric's "cringe" journal entries a lot (so much that I see, at least.) and sure, you can find a way to understand simply why. Their wording, and especially some of the things they were writing about could be seen modernly as "cringe" but I feel like if some people took a second to understand what they meant on a slightly deeper level than people try to, it's really easy to look past the cringe and see their plain and utter disconnection.

I know I talk so much about feeling some sort of connection with Dylan especially and of course, that's because there's more to work with for him. (No surprise, it's easily acknowledged that Eric got swept over almost completely by the people it mattered to as the "bad guy", especially doesn't help that his parents didn't try to salvage anything left of him or his personality after the shooting to my knowledge.)

Something I find especially interesting is when Dylan refers to his "human form", which on the surface, sounds like a teenager being a teenager, but it's obvious (being followed by the multiple other disturbed things in his head and the shooting of course,) that it was more than him trying to be edgy. The way I see it, as said earlier, I see it as a disconnect from himself. Whether he truly believed the literal meaning of the things he said or whether they were just things thrown together the best he could, understanding just quite what he meant from all angles is important I think.

Interpretation in these situations are especially relevant under every circumstance, of course, it's not what they aim for when investigating these kinds of things (since factual information will always be more effective.) but now that the case is over two decades old, I'm not sure it matters anymore, so this is my interpretation:

I haven't read every piece of Dylan's journals that have been released due to not being able to find it (/found it once and never again) or easily forgetting what he was saying due to it being either irrelevant or completely forgettable. This is contrary to my last writing I think where I mentioned that both Eric and Dylan's diary entries are close to home for me to understand who they were "beyond being a profile of violence", but sometimes it feels like they were just saying a whole lot of nothing.

The first couple pages I found to read just expressed his continuous suicidal tendencies, talking about himself in third person, or simply just wanting someone to love and for her to love him back. I personally don't understand how someone can't feel a bit of empathy (giving you read them and don't skim over it.)

His talk about being born human while having "inability to BE human" is something I probably understood the most out of the first few submitted entries. Of course, this isn't a rant about how I think (my interpretation) he feels or me trying to be one of those retarded "headcanons" people, because it seems as if unlike a lot of people, I can't ignore the fact that they were existing people with lives and feelings they didn't know how to process (much like me and others.)

This is just me simply finding closure in some deadbeats journal from almost thirty years ago. This entire case is just insanely depressing I've noticed over my last couple years of overall research (since 2020 or 2021. Whenever SKYND came out with their columbine song. [Which was what got me into this in the first place.]) (Also, on the topic of this music video, I wrote in an entry before that they depicted Dylan doing something I described but I'd like to make an edit correction and say it was definitely Eric.) it's always been a heavy topic for obvious reasons, but deeper than the fact that it was the most notorious school shooting in America, the actual situation itself - apart from April 20th, is really heart heavy for a whole lot of reasons.

However, I feel like now I am saying a whole lot of nothing (stating the obvious.) so I'll get to what I sort of wrote this for.

The way Dylan writes his thoughts out sounds out of body. Not to diagnose anything or whatever but in my own experiences - that are very much similar to things he's written about feeling or thinking - I understand the weight of his feelings on a deeper level than most I think, which makes Dylan a sort of past embodiment, or so I kind of believe.

Even before looking into Columbine, I've always felt somewhat similar. Which is especially hard considering I was roughly at the ages of 8-12 when experiencing all these feelings on my own, even lesser advanced was still a lot to handle. The first time I felt truly suicidal, I was around eight, turning nine. I used to have this fantasy when I was Eleven that I would officially off myself on my thirteenth birthday, which was the age I was always excited to turn most. Obviously it didn't end up happening. I didn't have a plan other than the fact that I'd be dead; I didn't have a way to do so or have anything left behind in hopes of giving my family closure. I didn't want to write any notes because I just thought it would be a waste of my time and theirs to read - or to have lying around (if they kept them. Which would have been a 50/50 chance considering my family likes to run away from their problems and ignore it if they can. On the other end of the spectrum, they might have never shut up about it or let it go. I didn't want to give them something to do that with again.)

So, alas, I decided I would play it by ear until just recently where I decided that next January would be okay. I have plenty of time for prep and to possibly call it off (again.) in the rare and let's be real, almost non existent chance of "finding god" or plain just coming to my senses and realizing that its just me being a retarded teenager. Which I kind of hope it is, but then again, I haven't felt truly fulfilled or happy in almost ten years.

It feels more like survival than living, which is generic but true: I only eat enough to live, I try not to bother anyone unless I have to, I keep to myself in awful confidence that I'm able to deal with everything if I just wait it out or overly pay attention to it, and some other things that are different but will just sound like me repeating myself.

My daily routine just consists of Either staying up all night because I can't escape myself, or sleeping with no intention of getting any rest but instead just passing time. I go to school, do nearly the bare minimum enough to pass (or try.), come home, and spend all the time I can in my room. Which has become some sort of hell, might I add.

It's not even pleasant to be here anymore. It's not quiet to me anymore or any sort of safe place.

My room: the lobby of death.

That's how it feels, anyways. I know I'll die in here, and if it's not in here, it will be in an undisclosed location. (I don't want it to sound misleading, like I'm plotting some sort of revenge on anyone.)

I just want to get away from myself, I just want to finally die and get it over with - again. I feel like I'm already dead. I feel like this is how it'll be until I'm physically dead, which means it can't get any worse but it won't be better. It won't even get comfortable.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I feel like everything I say is just useless - like I'm taking up space for feeling the way I do, or I'm looking for attention. But I'm not, this is just my collection of thoughts and everything I couldn't say outloud or something.

"Human Form" is always a striking thing Dylan says because I understand so desperately what he's saying. Not that I dont think I'm a human or that I'm some extraterrestrial being (But it feels like that sometimes.) but it's just such an out of body way to explain yourself. It seems like he just doesn't want to acknowledge what he was - I wouldn't want to. If I could, I would blame it completely on what made me. But I know I can't, not when I'm actively feeding into it everyday.

Cutting this here because I know I'll just never shut up if I don't. I don't know.

[withahappyrefrain]

I constantly think about friends to lovers (quite literally lovers) w/ Bob. Like imagine being childhood friends who totally like each inter but don’t say anything until the reader visits Bob in Miramar and hangman or rooster goes up to her and hits on her and Bob finally snaps. That night he makes sure that the next day that the reader is off limits

"What the hell is your problem Floyd?"

One minute you were trying to politely (but also firmly) turn down Jake Seresin's advances and the next minute your best friend of two decades was leading you out of the bar.

It was another thing to add on the list of weird shit Bob had done since you arrived in Miramar.

First was the way his welcoming hug had lingered, how he buried his face into your hair. Then it was how he licked his lips whenever he saw you in your sleepwear. Prior to five minutes ago, the most recent action was how he was rendered speechless when you showed him your outfit for tonight. When asked if something was wrong with the sundress, he quickly sputtered a response while his face turned bright red.

Something was going on.

"Are you going to talk to me or do I have to sing your least favorite song?" Though unusual, it was a tried and true method. Bob had nothing against Justin Bieber personally, but having three younger sisters meant he had to hear 'Baby' every hour of the day for two years straight.

That very threat was what made Bob finally turn around. He looked out of sorts; his usually perfectly straightened glasses were crooked, there was a slight flush of red blooming across his cheeks, his usually perfectly coiffed hair had been run through by one of his large hands. A sandy brown curl brushed against his forehead.

Bob had no right to look so hot when he was being annoying.

"Do not go out with him," He grunted, voice uncharacteristically low. You would need to unpack what it did to you later.

"Who said I was?"

"I know he looks like he should be on the cover of Men's Health, but that's the only compliment I'll give him. He doesn't deserve you, you deserve better. And I'm not saying I'm better- wait, yes I am. But what I mean is-"

"I know you're better. You're the best man I know and I've been having to act like I don't want you like that for the last ten fucking years. So don't play that humble act with me Floyd."

Wait, shit. That's not what you meant to say.

His eyes widened like saucers, "T-ten years? I could have had you for ten years now?"

Wait, what?

Timidly, you nodded, "Yeah. Ten years. What a waste, right?"

Bob shook his head before stepping forward. Whether it was you or him who initiated the kiss didn't matter. His lips were so soft, no doubt due to the chapstick you'd watch him apply. The scent of sage and mint flooded your nostrils. How did he smell so good all the damn time? Speaking of time, y'all had a decade to make up for, which is why you didn't feel bad about swiping your tongue across his bottom lip. You especially didn't feel bad when it got a groan out of Bob. The sound was low and gutteral, so unlike that pristine church boy act he put up for everyone but you.

Perhaps there were a lot of signs you had missed. Probably.

Wait, when the fuck did he lift you up? Fuck, he was that strong? You weren't light by any means, but Bob was deceptively muscular.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled before pressing your back against the wall, "Should take you out on a date but I can't wait, 've waited so long-"

"Robby," your groaned as his teeth sunk into your neck, "If we don't get into your car, I'm going to let you fuck me against this wall."

Bob could feel his cock twitch against his jeans, "What about inside the car?"

"I knew you were fucking dirty Floyd."

[thewalrusespublicist]

hi! really enjoying reading your blog. i've listened to the beatles all my life but only now have i started looking into the more fandom side of things, and reading your interpretations/insights into a huge variety of beatles topics has been super interesting and informative!

as for my question, i've only recently learned how much paul is still like, actively grieving john. (obviously i knew he mourned his death, but john's now been dead longer than he was alive and paul seems just as grief-stricken as he was decades ago.) and something i've been wondering is if he's ever performed his songs that were obviously/highly suspected of being critical of john live since his death? based on much of what i've seen, i imagine he'd have a hard time even looking the fact that he was ever publicly reproachful of john in its face, so to speak. (when considering how wistful and rose-tinted he seems re: john, etc., if that makes sense?)

Hi anon!,

Thank you so much!

I would honestly have to look back at his set lists but to my knowledge, no. I really don't think he'd want to and, to be fair, I don't think there are many songs about John that are that critical and the small pool that are, aren't really suitable for live performances compared to others. Edit: I was wrong, Paul did perform Too Many People in 2005 as part of the setlist and briefly in 2008.

On the slight contrary though, as per the mention of 'mixed feelings' about John in the Lyrics book and other things, I think Paul's grief is intensely complex and that the public only get to see some of it. I don't think he is that upset or regretful about being critical, if you listen to the Salewicz tape closer to the time of John's death Paul says that he could have said an awful lot worse about John and Yoko but he hasn't because he loved John. In the context of the absolute tidal wave of garbage John threw at him, Paul arguably had the sense to not do or say anything really unforgivable so I think his conscious is pretty clear aside from not making up properly. I am not saying that Paul doesn't mean the nice things he says about John publicly (and if any of the anecdotes and stories about him in private are true, these stories are potentially more frequent and intense than you'd expect), but judging from various places and comments he seems to also hold some very difficult feelings about the last ten years of John's life too.

On the grief being so raw, sorry to go on a bit of a tangent but I've been listening to a podcast on grief recently with Anderson Cooper, and it's made me realise that Paul's presentation of grief is a realistic reflection of how intense grief for a loved one actually is compared to how it gets portrayed in the media and how Western culture likes to see it (ie you get like three years and it's done, moving on). A lot of people on that show talk in similar ways to how Paul talks about John (I see signs of them, they talk to me, they're a part of me, the grief can hit me randomly no matter how long its been, I keep things of theirs etc.) With Paul, the level of grief is I suspect how a lot of people actually feel when they lose someone who was extremely dear to them, but his is more on a public stage and so more visible than the standard person's. I do think his grief for John is complicated however by so much: the horror and senselessness of what happened, their unresolved issues, Paul's tendency to bury things deep, deep down, the intensity of his love for people and inability to process the death as 'it's too much' as well as the intense public attention. It's no wonder that the grief still feels so raw and unprocessed.

Paul is also an excellent example of how one's relationship with the deceased continues and evolves over time. Paul hasn't stayed in one place over John's death, his grief has evolved and transformed and I suspect intensified again in the wake of Get Back. I'm glad that by the sounds of it he is coming to a much happier place about it, even if it's potentially more rose-tinted than the reality. But hey, he's in his eighties, if he's going to have this weight of grief forever and if it gives him comfort he may as well focus on all the happy and sunny moments. More than power to him.

[stabbyfoxandrew]

Hiii, glad to hear you're feeling good to do wipw!

Since I now have three favorites I love equally, can I request whichever gets the least asks between Guardian Angel Neil, Arsonist Neil and Mafia Restaurant? If it's too annoying to count them back and forth just pick the one you want the most, or at random hehe :D I'll be happy with whichever but I just can't pick. See, this is me:

(idk if you've seen The Good Place but Chidi (the guy in the gif) is notoriously bad at making choices)

Anyways, have a good week!! <33

WIP Wednesday (1/8) | Arsonist Neil / Firefighter Andrew AU (Part 271)

"Not who. What." Andrew clarifies, tracing the ruined skin with the pad of his thumb. After a moment, 10 lets out a tiny sigh and tilts his head slightly to gesture to the front of the car.

"One of those."

Andrew turns his head to look to the side and finds nothing but the dashboard. There's nothing in either cup holder, save for a couple handfuls of change. He's about to give up and ask again, when finally his gaze lands on the empty outlet under the radio. He chews the inside of his jaw in lieu of grimacing, then he realizes the scars on 10's hands match.

"Tell me something. Why does a man with so many burn scars play with fire?"

10 blinks slowly. "Why do you?"

"I put them out. There's a big difference."

"I'm talking about me." 10 says. "I'm nothing. A nobody. I’m somebody you should've turned in the moment you figured me out. So tell me Andrew, why are you playing with fire?"

"Because I am self-destructive, perhaps a bit stupid." Andrew thumbs 10's cheek again. "And I like the smell of smoke."

That makes 10’s eyes sparkle and he smiles. “I want to kiss you again.”

"I—" Andrew cuts himself off before he can admit too much. Because he wants. God, he wants. Much more than he's prepared for right now. After allowing himself one more stroke of 10's scarred cheek, he lets his hand drop to his lap.

NEIL

Neil immediately misses the warm weight of Andrew's hand against his cheek. He wants it back, that warmth and care. He's not used to it. He can't remember the last time he was given a kind touch. It must've been decades ago. He survived without it but now he's craving it more than he's ever craved nicotine.

"Andrew?"

Andrew looks from Neil to his now-empty hand and clears his throat. "You still owe me a muffin."

Neil glances at the cafe, then back at Andrew. "Okay."

It's easy to get out of the car and stroll into the Magnolia with Andrew right beside him. And, Neil thinks he'd buy the entire establishment (or perhaps burn it down) if it meant Andrew would touch him again. He doesn't voice this, because it's insane. But he follows Andrew into the cafe like a dog on a leash and pays for their food.

Neil orders himself a black coffee and the first sandwich on the menu, whatever it was— he has no idea. He barely glanced at the menu before turning his attention back to Andrew, who was staring up at the menu board as if it had personally offended him. Andrew ends up ordering a different sandwich— presumably one he actually wants— plus a huge mug of hot chocolate and a double chocolate muffin. The same kind Neil had bought him last time. The time he didn't stay.

When Andrew asks where Neil wants to sit, Neil pulls at the leash and takes them to the booth nearest the front windows. And they eat and drink and talk. And Neil is nervous again, which wouldn't be so bad if his nervousness weren't connected to his flight or fight instinct. His leg is bouncing a mile a minute underneath the table and he knows he's bumping Andrew's knee, because Andrew keeps glancing down under the table when it happens.

Finally, the thirtieth time Neil's knee knocks into Andrew's, Andrew stops mid-sentence and gets up from his seat. Neil almost gets up to follow him, no questions asked. Then Andrew is gesturing for him to scoot over. When Neil does, Andrew slides into the booth beside him and it should make him feel trapped. Boxed in. Something.

But it doesn't. It makes him feel safe with Andrew between him and everything else in the world. Eventually his leg stops bouncing and Neil is able to convince his nervous system he's not being hunted by a tiger. Or worse, his dead father. He settles into the booth beside Andrew and picks at his food while watching the way Andrew's eyes glow under the sunlight pouring through the window.

[spacedustpan]

Hmm... I want to comment on this but this is the first post I'm seeing in what I assume based on context must be a longer discussion.

Idk I guess I'll throw my 2 cents in anyway:

-----

I agree with anon actually

I don't think a lack of an icon is a solid indication of bot vs non bot status on AO3.

I've been reading on AO3 for over a decade and I never paid attention to the icons of authors.

I recently made my own account to post my first fic a few months ago and I still haven't added an icon to it because I don't care about having an icon or being recognizable from one platform to another.

Account setup has a bunch of steps and not all of them are important to me personally.

Idk maybe it's because I came from FFdotNet for most of my fic reading and still occasionally read over there today. They don't have icons over there so it never occurred to me as generally important to fanfic websites. To me LJ was the exception to the rule.

On a site like LJ where the icons could be different for each post/reply and were often tone indicators for the post/reply as a matter of general journaler etiquette - I paid a lot more attention to authors and commenter's icons; but for AO3 where it's the same for every fic and comment... I just don't pay attention.

I pay more attention to username because that's not only larger and centered on the fic while I'm reading it, but it's how I've always kept track of authors on every writing website.

Also not to mention that sometimes for various reasons you might have to go scorched earth and start over - stalkers or people irl finding your account or whatever.

Sometimes it's easier not to have an icon in those cases.

🤷‍♀️

I get why people might be wary these days of someone not having an icon on a social media site like tumblr or Instagram or what have you where you're able to have an icon. But in the context of fanfic websites specifically - it doesn't feel strange to me.

Almost no one in my main fandom has an icon uploaded on AO3. Weird to think that not only was that supposed to matter, but that apparently there was a previous consensus opinion that not bothering with it meant someone was a filthy casual. (Then again I haven't heard someone called a casual since I was in middle school and I'm now 25, so that could be why.) I just figured they were more interested in the reading and writing aspects of AO3 than the graphics end. After all, so many people think of AO3 as a fanfic only site that I've had to explain to people it doesn't violate TOS/isn't "wrong" to post non-fic there. It's a text-heavy site.

And if I'm being real with you, I don't think I can remember anyone's icon from AO3 that I've ever interacted with. I don't even remember mine at a glance. It's not really what I go to the site for. I certainly don't get the idea anon went with that no icon + bookmarks = bot. Both because you can be a person without an icon, but also because bots upload icons on most social media websites? Whenever I interact with an OTNF post I get spambots asking for money because they're refugees #justtrustmebro and those always have icons, as do spambots on FB, Insta, X, FFN, Tiktok... I'm sure there are sites where the majority of spambots don't, but I'm having a hard time thinking of one.

Meanwhile I can 100% think of why someone would make an account and bookmark things. It's because they want to bookmark aka have it readily accessible to be read later. Because they like it. I'm honestly not sure what anon is confused about here. Is that only "valid" or whatever if you slap a 100x100 pixel icon of an anime boy next to it?

--

My goodness, that's a lot of defensiveness over an incredibly basic part of setting up an account.

No, not everyone will care (and yes, "filthy casuals" is just about always a joke these days), but slapping some basic icon on a bunch of your accounts to link them tells me you've spent .2 seconds thinking about your continuing presence in a space.

[fuckyeahelenapaparizou]

Helena Paparizou in Melodifestivalen 2014

Heat 1 [x]

Andra Chansen - Round 1 [x]

Andra Chansen - Duels [x]

Final [x]

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[sydney-carton-of-sour-milk]

For this week's post, I have a very special announcement:

As of the minute of my posting this,

this blog

is officially

A DECADE OLD!

To mark the occasion, I've gone back to my old sketchbook and (at long last!) made a scan of the first drawing I ever posted here...

...which I've used as reference for a redraw🥹

I've been through a lot in the last decade (as you can imagine), and, consequently, the nature of my love for and appreciation of the novel has changed so much through those years; with each subsequent time I've read it, A Tale of Two Cities has meant a different thing to me and held a unique place in my soul, tailored to its shape at that point in time.

That's part of why it has been such an immense, immeasurable joy to have this blog as a constant, a place for me to capture those shapes (and their changing over the years) by providing the good people of Tumblr's A Tale of Two Cities fandom with posts of all varieties. What a wonderful and rewarding place it has been for finding community in which we can all share our collective appreciation for this incredible novel. So if you're reading this, thank you! And I hope this blog has been able to provide for you anything like what it has for me!

Now this post is done, why don't we call a health, dear reader; why don’t we give our toast?

Many more posts - and years - to come, then!

[theheadlessgroom]

@beatingheart-bride

I am?

These two words, this simple little question, very nearly came out of Susannah's mouth before she stopped herself, reminding herself of Philippe's sincere nature. This was a man who would never lie to her, least of all about her appearance, and so she allowed herself to be flattered in that moment, cheeks turning a soft pink as she replied, "Th-Thank you, Philippe. You..y-you look v-very handsome!"

Not about to let him linger out on her front porch all night, she was quick to sweep him inside and into her little kitchen, where she had everything laid out, ready and waiting for them. She was also pleasantly surprised by the strawberry-creme bonbons he'd procured for them; they would make a wonderful dessert to cap off tonight's dinner.

"I-I...I have something for you too!"

Before they sat down to their meal (she would've liked to have just dug in, but perhaps giving him this gift would mitigate some of the butterflies in her stomach and let her actually enjoy dinner), Susannah hustled out of the room, only to then return with a small box-not ornately wrapped or even particularly eye-catching...unlike what was inside.

It was a hand-knitted sweater, made in a beautiful sky-blue yarn, laced with delicate honeycomb and blackberry patterns, very similar to the one Wilhelmina Pace knitted for her future husband many years ago (the only difference being was that the one she made was a soft buttercup yellow; Susannah had it tucked away in the cedar chest upstairs, along with many other heirlooms). It would be plenty warm to wear, once the cold snap eventually settled in.

"I-It's an Aran sweater," she explained shyly, her heart pounding in her chest as she watched him open it, on pins and needles, waiting for his reaction, wondering nervously all the while: Will he like it?

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

the higher-ups (and Yaga) immediately trying to leverage Gojo & Ieri's absence to put Yuuta on the roster??? God that's such a stark moment. Thank god Nanami and Gojo saw through that one immediately, because Yuuta wants to justify his own survival so badly he would've fallen straight into it.

That whole scene, with Yuuta immediately jumping on the opportunity to help people even though something is Extremely Wrong with him and he's on the brink of physical collapse--this boy is selfless to the point of self destruction and I am chewing the drywall about it. I love him so much.

If only he was able to summon his newly found homicidal rage in defense of himself, the higher-ups would no longer be a problem. Alas, this boy is Extremely Unwell.

(Sea Glass Gardens is absolutely incredible and i am obsessed with it in a way that is totally and 100% normal. I'm so normal about it, trust me <3 )

The thing about Yuuta is that he really is prime to be taken advantage of right now and the higher ups know it. They had him try to kill himself for them--they know that there's a window of opportunity that they can use to get him under their thumb and avoid The Problem of Gojo, which is, namely, having a human weapon who you cannot fully control. Gojo nailed it from the beginning: they want a magic gatling gun with no personality or free will. They learned their lesson with Gojo and are trying to rob Yuuta of his agency before he learns how to protect himself.

And Yaga's part in that scene really was meant to kind of emphasize how, even with the best intention's, he just doesn't work to protect the kids. Like. everything he said was technically true, and he meant it with the best of intentions. He's the guy who has to think of everyone's needs. he has to manage this crisis. he's got a lot of people hurt badly who just came out of a war, and a lot of people going into fights with some very aggravated curses spawning without sufficient manpower to address the danger and no healer to save them if they cut it a little too close. He didn't have the intention of manipulating or sacrificing Yuuta, but he was aware that it would come to his detriment and risk.

The issue is the higher ups. They don't give a shit about the people in their workforce. They should be the ones doing whatever it takes to solve this crisis and save their people--and if that means giving up on their machinations? They should have already done it. It's their responsibility.

They just don't care. They want Okkotsu Yuuta under their thumb, and their society hemorrhaging is treated like an opportunity, not a dire problem to be solved. They don't care if half a dozen of their own people need to die to do it. Hell, it's better if they do die--they can put it straight on Okkotsu for not being willing to sacrifice himself, when they should have been making whatever promises they had to in order to make this work.

Gojo's done this before, is the thing. He was Yuuta, a long time ago. Nanami was right there watching it happen. They both know what the higher ups do: They let society get to a crisis level and put all the responsibility on you to save it. they let you maneuver yourself into a vulnerable position as a result, and then they use it as leverage to put their goddamn boot on your neck.

The thing is that Gojo adopting megumi all those years ago really did put them into a crisis state. the zenin pitched the mother of all bitch fits trying to secure his unconditional return, and they were a huge percentage of jujutsu society's labor force and resource pools. instead of the higher ups managing the problem at all, they took advantage of the situation and shoved more and more of its weight and responsibility onto gojo, until he was dropping off his own kid at his abusers' compound thinking it was the only compromise that could resolve things. megumi paid the price for gojo not calling bullshit, and right now, with him in a hospital bed? gojo's less willing to repeat mistakes than ever.

he knows that they're going to use the safety and suffering of everyone else as the leverage against him, and he knows that as terrible as it is, he cannot blink first. He's played this game before, and he knows that the only way to get the higher ups to back off on something like this is to dig in your heels.

I think what happened to Megumi all those years ago and how bad it got before they put a stop to it is something that haunts all three of them. When they first started raising him, they were very young, and they were very broken, and they loved him very, very much. He was their little boy, and he was never the same after the Zenin. They were supposed to protect him, and they didn't, and not a single one of them has forgiven themselves for that.

Megumi was sort of sacrificed for the greater good when he was a kid. None of them thought that that was what they were doing when it happened, but that's what happened. His happiness, safety, and wellbeing were sacrificed to pacify the Zenin and make it easier on everyone else.

Megumi and Tsumiki had to become their non-negotiables after. They had to become the things they refused to compromise on. The Zenin would take miles and miles if you gave them a millimeter, let alone an inch.

Gojo didn't think he was compromising them when he left them on their own to deal with Geto's war. They were disgustingly self-sufficient kids. They had been alone for longer stretches of time when they were practically toddlers--they should have been fine on their own for a couple of weeks.

But they were still his kids, and he still left them alone for everyone else's sake, and now his kid is blind and half dead in a hospital bed. It's like being punched in the face by old mistakes.

So they're off the roster completely, all of them. And they're not compromising an inch on what their focus is, and they're not letting anything happen to any of the other kids in their care.

It's terrible that their coworkers are suffering, but it wouldn't be happening if the Zenin hadn't fucked with Gojo Satoru's kid, of all the goddamn people. It wouldn't be happening if the higher ups would actually do their job and start managing shit.

And if they use Yuuta as an anxiety riddled bandaid on the bullet hole in their society? Then they'd be sacrificing him the way they sacrificed Megumi all those years ago. And they have never been less willing to do that.

I'm so so glad you like the story! Thank you for talking with me!

[creaturefeaster]

yo maybe im just having a bad morning but im a hair's width away from leaving this site man it's getting so fucking annoying & bloated with features i could not give less of a fuck about

[solradguy]

Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.

it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages

While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.

The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.

[boymounter]

clothes shopping as a fat person is such a hostile environ. i need to go in there with a machete

[lumienn]

Me when I did 10 things to make my day better but came across 1 (one) thing that ruined it

[luxceon]

well. how are we feeling past/current AH fans?

[good-to-drive]

whyyyyy do the beatles have so many solo stans this site is so weird